10/18/2004

depression hit hard last night. i was so depressed, i didn't even want to write about it. now that i can at least form coherent thought, i'll try.

i wonder if jess feels this way (or something similar) when i leave. maybe she's glad to see me go, since, as they say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

yesterday, sunday, i was with jess the entire day. she had come up on saturday night to go bowling with me, ed, and a bunch of other people from mcdonald's, but ed canceled on us. no big. i just went over to diane's (where jess was staying more or less in town) and chillaxed.

anyhoo. back to sunday. we spent the day together. it was wonderful, as it always is. i'll never tire of her, i'll never get sick of her. she's so wonderful to me, and i always screw up. but yesterday was alright. at the end of the day, around 10pm, jess had to leave to go home to get some sleep. i didn't want her to go, but i too needed sleep (as i had to get up at 6) and i had a paper to write. the entire time i was consumed - there is no other way to describe it - with thoughts of her and despair.

my constantly recurring thought is that everything is useless. everything i do, every happy memory i have, is over. done. finit. and everything i do in the present will end, so everything i do is pointless and fruitless.

this boulevard of broken dreams

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