9/12/2004

james told me that he wouldn't come to my party. andrea told me she didn't think they'd make it to my party. this is not old news to me. what i don't understand is why they won't come.

on the one hand, you've got a wedding. the wedding, to be precise, of a person we all loathed, detested, hated, and wanted to die as long as she was around. then she left, and some people thought, you know, she wasn't so bad. she was just misunderstood. just doing her job, that's all. true, she was nicer, closer to her departure. but to me, that doesn't make her any less of a (rhymes with witch). it just means that she, like anyone, didn't want everyone to hate her when she was gone.

james, you fool.

on the other hand, you've got a birthday party. okay, you may argue, the wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime thing (but it's not, not for her). the party, on the other hand, is just that. a party. no big deal, meh pleh, so on and so forth.

but it's a big deal to me, james, because you're a friend. i told you once that you're one of my best friends. i know you think i was just saying that, i know i said some mean stuff, and i'm pretty sure i apologized. but in case i didn't or you forgot, i'm sorry. this seems to me like paul, you're not important enough. sorry, but you're just like any other high school friend who is promised that he'll never be forgotten and then is. i know i've done that to my own friends at mhs and wctc, but i don't want it to happen again.

no one wants to hear a depressive person blame their behavior on their mental handicap (and that is what it is, like it or not). but we do it anyway, not shucking the blame, but stating the fact. i behave the way i behave because my mental processes are screwed up. i am the person i am because i'm depressive or mildly bipolar. like it or not, this is me. so when you say no, this isn't what you say it is and get all defensive and say in return, you lied when you said you're my friend, know that this is what it looks like to me.

and it feels like the start of a leaving behind.

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