9/02/2004

welcome back to carroll, em.

i'm thinking of deleting hypocracy, my other blog. i was using it to test out other formats and templates, but i have long since decided to keep the black and green format i have here. i just like this format a lot. so i guess i have no reason to keep hypocracy.. so should i?

does anyone read this? am i now keeping my own counsel, with no one else here?

that was not a shot on james. if you're reading, buddy, i'm sorry for what i said and i wish you'd come back.

ralph, if you read this, know that i care. i know what it's like/what it feels like for no one to care. and i agree that to say that someone or anyone has nothing to live for is a fallacy. there's alwasys something. i know the feeling that the cost of living simply doesn't feel of more worth than the cost of dying. how i feel right now is best said in this:

i can't say i like my life right now, but i can't wait to see where it's going.

sometimes i wish people would understand the ways i feel, the different passions rushing through my head and heart, the powerful rage with which i hate myself, the endless, flooding love with which i care about my friends and family. and then i come to my senses. no one will ever understand everything about me, nor would i want them to. i wish no one to hate themselves as i hate myself.

but how do you explain them to those who care? how do i express the way i feel to jess when i'm down and she wants to talk it out?

how do i explain that cutting myself does not always mean i'm depressed? how do i explain that pain is not only good, that it feels good, but that it's as relaxing to me as scented candles are to her? not only that, but also that it's symbolic of my trying to drain away all i hate? that it's making me, the me i hate, less? that in that moment, there is less of me to hate? not that it enables me to love myself, but at least there is less to hate..

and that's only the beginning. that i find it comforting, soothing, and relaxing to see some, even if only a little, of my life's blood draining away. away to grow cold as i wish to grow cold, as i will when i die.

do i explain that i, at the same time, enjoy the coppery, bitter taste of my blood? what can i share with people? at what point will i have gone too far, said too much, and have driven one who cares away?

i don't know. but i do know i'm glad they don't understand perfectly.

	go to post top