4/27/2004

i have heard many times - too many, i think, in my life to count - the phrase "seeing red." it means to be so angry that your vision blurs and you cannot see, think, or feel logically. everything immediately following "seeing red" is rage.

i have never seen red. never, i now say, before tonight.

i have been angry. i have upset. i have been ticked off, pissed off, i have even been furious. but i have never "seen red" before tonight.

finding out that you've been betrayed is, i think, one of the worst if not the worst things that can happen to a person. being betrayed by someone you thought was your friend of 4 years is painful enough - though that is not a word powerful enough to describe it. but finding out not only that, but also that this same person - no, not a person. a creature. a soul-less, heartless bitch, for lack of a better term - has also in the same stroke betrayed another friend, one of nearly 7 years. and this other friend is none other than your soul mate. the one you love more than any other, the one you would go to your death for. helen of troy had nothing on her.

what do you feel then? you feel murderous RAGE.

and that is precisely what i feel, how i feel, towards this girl whom i will not name, this girl whom none of you know, this girl who tore out my jessica's heart and ate it in the very same breath.

there are no words.

there are no words to appropriately express the extent to which i feel such passionate rage. there are no words to express that i now firmly and confidently believe that crimes of passion are not only justifiable, but right.

i consider myself a fairly considerate, loving, and forgiving person, not to mention articulate enough to say what i want to convey without resorting to vulgarities and crude language. but hear what i say and mark it well:

i want nothing more than for her to die.

as a christian, this leads to an interesting, if not compromising, dilemma. i believe that it is my duty and desire to love and forgive all, not including but especially my enemies. i never would have, before today, thought i would say this, but including her. but i cannot love her, and i cannot forgive her. i just simply cannot. granted, this here is an outpouring of my rage, but i don't think it's possible, and jess feels the same way. i hate her. we hate her.

it's going to take alot of prayer and meditation for this one.

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