3/21/2005

in christianity, an apology means saying you're sorry. but it's not just saying it - it means meaning it. and that includes the intent to never commit that mistake, sin, whatever, ever again.

ralph, you are so right. i ignore you, i apologize, i do it all over again. in my defense.. i have no defense. no excuse. i am a horrible friend, if that is what i can properly be called.

i would apologize, as i do feel bad, but we all know those are useless words coming from a hypocrite. andrea, you too are right. i'm no good as a christian example, and i'm wrong to ever try to use my actionless faith as a stronghold in my life.

if it looks as if i'm trying to garner pity and a "oh paul, it's okay, we love you anyway," stow it. i'm not. i'm merely laying it all on the table. i can't convey how much i hate myself.

i'm not about to compare stress levels or compete with who sees less of his friends and/or loved ones. i will only say that i see much less of everyone that i would like and that i'm under way too much stress.

i've been thinking more and more about killing myself these past few weeks. i don't mean the standard "hmm i'd like to make myself bleed" that i normally think about. i mean, complete full-out killing myself. the sad thing is that i'd probably screw that up too.

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